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The basic rule for coming out on top in a dispute with your
significant other — don’t be a jerk. Here’s how to keep yourself in
check.
You are going to get into it with your significant other every so
often. It’s no fun for either party, but as a man, I’m willing to
concede that it’s even less fun for men. Why? Because women can express
their emotions like it’s nobody’s business. And guys? Not so much.
And since women already have the upper hand, I thought it only fair to
share a few tricks to help you emerge victorious from battle … or at
least with fewer scars than usual.
Don’t Tell Her to “Relax”
There is nothing more inflammatory than the r-word. Especially when it’s
flippantly thrown in the face of a woman who is already on her last
good nerve. And since it’s impossible to rationally discuss an issue
with a red-eyed, fire-breathing dragon (which is pretty much what I turn
into whenever a guy says that word to me), I urge you to avoid this
expression and any variation of it — settle down, take it easy, etc. —
at all costs.
Talk In the First Person
Instead of saying something like, “You don’t appreciate me,” try, “I
feel like I’m not being heard when …” or “I don’t feel appreciated when
…” It may seem like a small thing, but sentences that start with “I”
sound much less accusatory than ones that start with “you.” And when
your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s being verbally attacked, she’ll
be more open to hearing what you have to say. And that may even lead to
her apologizing. Maybe.
Leave Your Friends’ Opinions Out of It
Every woman’s greatest fear in life, aside from dating an axe murderer
and the possibility that her daily non-fat latte actually contains lard,
is getting stuck with the “crazy” label. So even if all of your buddies
think that she’s being totally ridiculous for demanding
expecting you to do something like text her while you’re hanging out
with them, she doesn’t need to know they think she’s nuts. A) They’re
your friends, so of course they’re going to have your back. B) Telling
her will only make her feel awkward around the friends you name the next
time she sees them. And C) It’s guaranteed to drag your argument into
overtime — and that severely damages your chances of coming out on top.
Don’t Make Empty Threats The United States of America does not respond kindly to
threats, and neither does your girlfriend. So if you give her an
ultimatum —“Unfriend your ex and quit following him on Twitter or we’re
so done” — you better be prepared to follow through. Women are nasty
mental ninjas who will call your bluff, which will either force you to
follow through and leave, or back down with your balls in hand.
Fib If You Need To
File this tip away, because if you don’t need it soon, you’ll definitely
find use for it down the road. When a woman gives you the stink-eye and
hisses, “You don’t even know what you did, do you?” Lie. Nod your head,
and ask her if she wants to talk about it, or if she needs time to cool
off. It’s like those “Need a moment?” Twix commercials — she’ll be so
caught off guard by your response that she’ll falter, giving you a few
precious seconds to rack your brain, identify your offense, and get a
stronger game plan in order.
For an open relationship to work, both parties have to be keen on the idea.
To sell the concept, you need to focus on how she will benefit.
Make sure she knows it is only about sex, as emotional infidelity is more of a concern for her.
"Often, the best sexual communication occurs outside of the bedroom..."
You make her No. 1, but you don’t want her to be the only one. Open relationships offer sexual variety with other people, which immediately sells you on the idea, but what about your girlfriend? Having an open setup could result in the relationship breaking up. Hey, some relationships just don’t make it once they’ve tried the open road. If you have breakup on your mind, perhaps ending the relationship is your best bet rather than suggesting you widen the playing field a little.
However, if you want to keep your relationship a priority in your life, but you just want to have some new experiences, perhaps you’ll be one of the lucky ones who finds that bringing outsiders into your relationship will add some spark to it. It’s good to bear in mind that for an open relationship to work, both parties have to be keen on the idea. When trying to awaken your girlfriend’s interest in open relationships, here are some ways to go about it.
1- Plant the idea
Instead of focusing on your needs, let her be introduced to the idea of open relationships in a more objective way. During a hot night together, why not suggest renting an erotic movie or two? Choose movies that involve threesomes and try to find quality porn that has a bit of a story line if possible, especially since a huge chunk of erotic films out there are not always liked by women. (Note: Avoiding porn that features facials or other acts she’ll view as degrading is also a must.)
Watching a steamy flick together won’t only add some spice to your sex life now, but it could also make her turned on by what she sees, thereby planting an idea in her mind that she might want to take further.
2- Encourage the fantasy
Now it’s up to you to encourage her wildest dreams. Often, the best sexual communication occurs outside of the bedroom, so take some time to share your erotic fantasies with your girlfriend and let her do the same. This is a great way to nurture trust in your relationship, but it also encourages her fantasies to become reality. For instance, if she tells you that she has previously fantasized about sex with another person, hear her out and encourage her to describe it to you. Once her mind is open to the thoughts, her body is more likely to follow.
"Find the good things that an open relationship can bring to your lives."
3- Hang out with swingers
Taking things to the next step can involve hitting some swingers’ clubs to meet swingers who are fun, young females. Your girlfriend will see that the act of meeting and picking up swingers is definitely not the same as asking someone out on a date. There’s no trying to get swingers interested in who you are; rather, it’s all about having a sexual experience and then moving on to others. Period. This is sure to put your girlfriend’s mind at ease: Swinging is carefree and noncommittal. You leave your emotions at the door while gaining sexual stimulation.
The bonus? There’s no guilt of going behind your partner’s back or betraying them with your cheating ways because it’s all out in the open.
4- Sell the benefits
One of the biggest mistakes men make when suggesting an open relationship to their girlfriends is that they focus on what they want and completely forget that she has to be on the same page for it to work.
But if a salesman is going to sell you a new body lotion, he’s not only going to tell you what its benefits are, he’s also going to show you how it’s better than the current one you’re using. So, when discussing open relationships with your girlfriend, focus on how the change to your relationship can benefit you both more than your current setup. For instance, she can still reap the benefits of your current relationship, but she doesn’t have to feel sexually limited; she can take that career opportunity overseas without carrying the emotional baggage of the relationship. Find the good things that an open relationship can bring to your lives. If she sees this for herself, she’s more likely to become interested in giving it a try.
5- Make it about sex
It has been said that when it comes to infidelity, women are more likely to have emotional affairs whereas men focus on the sexual satisfaction. This backdrop of information shows you the glaring truth: Often, women will associate sex with something more emotional, or they think that sex will lead to love. This could be the undercurrent that is preventing your girlfriend from wanting an open relationship as her fears could include the thought that you’re going to be falling in love with the new women you’re sexual with.
be open
You have to nip this one in the butt, guys. Ensure she knows your relationship is the sexual and emotional priority -- the main act. All extras in the movie are there for purely sexual adventures. If you keep the emotional stuff out of the equation, she will not see it as a threat, and the good times can keep on, er, coming.
Erotic capital, as described by sociologist Catherine Hakim of the London School of Economics in her 2010 paper on the subject, consists of a collection of attributes including physical fitness, good grooming, superior social skills, and sex appeal. When taken together, these qualities form a powerful personal asset. Of course, the more of each element of erotic capital you possess, the higher your overall erotic net worth. To date, however, this concept has largely been written about in relation to women, though men are equal proprietors of erotic capital.
We all know men with a high erotic net worth: George Clooney, Justin Timberlake, Anderson Cooper, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Jay-Z come to mind. Peter Griffin does not. What makes erotic capital a big deal is that the greater your erotic net worth, the more financial success you'll have and the more social and dating advantages will come your way. To figure out what your erotic net worth is and how you can increase it to your advantage, read on.
Sex appeal
You don't have to look like a movie star to have sex appeal. What you do need is the right body language, a healthy dose of confidence, a talent for flirting, and an amazing cologne. Whereas closed body language, typified by crossing your arms across your chest, keeping your hands in your pockets and slouching, gives off the impression that you are a defensive person; open body language shows that you're comfortable with yourself.
For men, facing others head-on with your spine erect, your head held high and your feet about a foot apart conveys a dominant, self-assured, in-control attitude, which is a huge turn-on for women. And because women are programmed to pay attention to smell when selecting a mate, you should also choose your fragrance wisely, doing your best to track down the juice that complements your natural body odor. Use humor to flirt and learn to read female body language -- if she looks at you, then looks away, then looks at you again, she's interested.
Social skills
Even if right now you feel extremely nervous in interpersonal interactions, it's possible to turn your social anxiety around and become the guy in the room that everyone gravitates toward. Men with a high erotic net worth are charming, persuasive, playful, witty, polite, and good conversationalists. To become adept at socializing, read voraciously and stay on top of current events as well as what's hot in film, television, business, and technology. If you’re crunched for time, seek out good all-purpose websites like the New York Times. At the same time, recognize that being the most interesting man at the party doesn't always involve dominating the conversation.
Making others feel at ease is often as simple as projecting a sense of calm and asking open-ended questions (those that don't involve simply a “yes” or “no” answer) to encourage others to talk. In fact, because most people love to talk about themselves, showing an interest in others and listening attentively with steady eye-contact will trick them into finding you fascinating even if you reveal relatively little about yourself. Also, don't take yourself too seriously, as the capacity to laugh at yourself and take life's mishaps in stride shows self-confidence, which is infinitely more appealing than being uptight.
Physical fitness
Having a high erotic net worth is practically synonymous with being in shape. A sexy body indicates virility and vigor, which in women's minds translates into stamina and dynamite sack sessions. What you're aiming for is a V-shaped physique, which you can achieve through a combination of weight lifting and cardio.
If you're presently overweight and finding it difficult to motivate yourself to hit the gym, consider that obese people earn 10% to 15% less than average-size people. The right clothes will also go a long way toward creating the illusion of a perfect body, so favor V-neck tops over crewnecks and single-breasted blazers over double-breasted toppers. Studies also suggest that taller men earn more, so give yourself a height advantage with shoes that have a half-inch heel.
Self-presentation
The way you dress and style your hair all have a major impact on the first impression you create. Sure, over time, many people might be able to get past greasy hair and tattered jeans to see the real you, but being negligent about your grooming routine and your wardrobe will cost you -- on the job in terms of salary (better-looking people earn more) and in the dating realm. To dress your best, know where to splurge and when to save. Develop a signature style by determining what colors and cuts are most flattering on you.
One thing incredibly stylish men have in common is the ability to wear trends without looking like fashion victims. Their secret is limiting themselves to one or two trend-driven pieces per outfit and ensuring that the rest of what they're wearing is classic. When it comes to your hair, get it trimmed every four weeks, use the right kind of shampoo and conditioner for your hair type and avoid working too much product, like gel, into your mane. Be diligent about keeping your facial hair in check and whiten your teeth every six months.
Lastly, pay attention to your hands. No, you don't need to get a manicure, but to women, having rough dinosaur skin running over our bodies is akin to getting sandblasted, so slather on some hand lotion every now and again.
Sexual competence
While possessing the previously mentioned elements of erotic capital will certainly increase your chances of finding yourself between the sheets with a potential mate, poor performance in this department will send your erotic stock plummeting. Fortunately, sexual skills are learned rather than innate, so, start reading books and articles on the topic to improve your bedroom know-how. Focus on finding ways to increase your sexual stamina, such as tantric practices and Kegel exercises.
Equally important in enhancing your sexual competence is figuring out the fine points involved in giving great oral sex and committing to the time involved -- it takes most women around 20 minutes to achieve orgasm on average and a mind-blowing finish will immediately secure you a top spot on her list of lovers. Bonus points for asking about her fantasies and then making them come true.
Finally, devote energy to enhancing your erotic imagination by relentlessly searching for creative ways to switch things up and keep your sex life spicy. Also, even if she doesn't seem like a girly girl, all women go gaga for a little romance, so don't be shy in this area either.
maximize your erotic net worth
By now the value of erotic capital should be clear. You hopefully also have an idea of where you might be falling short and have learned concrete ways in which you can send your erotic net worth soaring. Of these five attributes, some will require more determination than others to develop, but as studies show, you'll be mightily rewarded for your efforts.
What are the most common male fetishes, and are there more men into fetishes today than before? I want to see where I stand compared to other guys.
Thanks,
- Alan R., Middletown, NY
Fetishes have been around since the dawn of man. A good rule of thumb is that anything can be eroticized and made sexual. If you can think of it being a fetish, then it’s been done, from an inanimate object to a body part and everything in between.
The most popular male fetishes vary and often have something in common: proximity and accessibility. One often gravitates toward the turn-on and puts themselves within its reach. Common fetishes include feet, shoes, body parts, lingerie, and power exchange (domination/submission). Each of these is present in most daily activities and can be relatively easily accessed.
Today, less common male fetishes are becoming more popular with the internet. Those who once felt alone now find online communities and websites dedicated to their particular sexual interest. There is strength in numbers. No longer does the diaper fetishist need to feel isolated as there are websites filled with people with similar interests and admirers. Whatever you’re into, I guarantee there are people who get turned on by your fetish.
big girl attraction
Dear Man Shed,
I’m sick and tired of my guy friends making fun of me for liking big girls. It’s so annoying and I’m over the jokes. At first it was funny or whatever, but I’m over it. Why do I like larger women, and can I change this? I’m just not into skinny women.
- Robert P., Panama City Beach, FL
Why would you want to get rid of a blessing like this? You know what you want and what turns you on. Some people spend a lifetime still trying to figure this out with no luck. And, you’re not like every guy chasing the same stick figure model at the bar. You can focus your attention on a woman who may appreciate your efforts more.
A little more cushion for the pushin’ is becoming more popular as a mainstream desire. The waif look is dying fast and curves are making a comeback. I’m not sure what your definition of a larger woman is, but does it really matter? We like what we like and rather than focusing on how to change your attraction, why not focus on becoming comfortable and confident with your attraction.
Friends give each other a hard time about a lot of things, and the more strength and resilience you show them, the more likely they’ll give up on their criticisms and judgments. I know they’ll call you names like chubby chaser, but don’t let it get to you. Find a larger woman who makes you feel excited and fulfilled. Eventually, you’ll teach your friends that happiness can be found in a variety of shapes and sizes. Besides, how well has chasing the stick figures worked out for your friends?
cheating girlfriend
Hey Manshed,
My girlfriend of two years just told me that she slept with somebody else a few weeks ago when she went away for the weekend with her girlfriends. I’m so mad at her. Right now I love her and I hate her -- I mostly hate her. I go back and forth with both of these thoughts, and I can’t decide what to do.
I’m staying with my parents right now because I can’t live under the same roof as her. I don’t know if I should stay or leave her. Everyone gives me the same lines -- follow your heart or everything happens for a reason or something like that. Can you give me some straight advice and not the fluffy generic comments?
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
- Anonymous
OK, advice minus fluff coming right up. She made a big mistake. We know this. But she told you and was honest about her mistake. That’s something to consider and respect in my book. She could have lied or said nothing. Even though trust has been shattered, her honesty should count for something.
Take into consideration the past two years. Was it a healthy, happy, pleasant two years or one filled with fights and unhappiness? Did she earn the right to a second chance over those two years? No matter what, eventually you have to get over this. You get to decide if you’re going to get through this with her in your life or without her. You make the choice. Can you see yourself with her long-term, even forever? If you can, be careful not to let your ego and stubbornness fuel your decision. Everlasting love is something that shouldn’t be given up on so easily. If you never saw yourselves growing old together, then what are you really debating here? Pack up and move on.
One last thing, if you have any skeletons in your closet, consider cutting her some slack. You know what I’m talking about. Remember the Latin stripper from last summer’s Las Vegas bachelor party that you’re never supposed to talk about?
backdoor lovin'
Hello The Man Shed,
My wife and I have been experimenting with anal sex and we try to follow the suggestions of how to make it safe and pleasurable. We read that it is not wise to use an enema as the chemicals can be harmful to the lining of the rectum. She is following a good diet that is high in fiber and we make sure she has a bowel movement before we begin anal sex. However, there is still some fecal matter left and this makes her uncomfortable, more anxious, which impacts penetration. Any suggestions?
- Mark V., Miami, FL
Wow. You sound extremely knowledgeable about anal sex and I’m happy you’re both experimenting with it. Everything you described is great preparation and you’re well on your way to having some great anal sex. We’ve been conditioned to be self-conscious about our bowels, so it’s understandable that it can trigger some anxiety.
My one-year-old niece takes the largest diaper dump in the history of mankind, and the family talks and laughs about it, yet the slightest trace of feces during sex paralyzes us with shame or anxiety. You’re right about certain chemicals in enema solutions that can be irritating to the rectal lining. One thing you can do is use a water enema. Humans are primarily made of water and there’s nothing harmful about a little room-temperature water up your bum. For water enemas, take the advice of your shampoo ingredients: Rinse and repeat. You can purchase an enema bulb at most pharmacies/drugstores or sex novelty shops. There are even attachments you can purchase that connect to your shower. This should do the trick and hopefully lead to less anxious anal encounters.
When you first started dating, your priorities were getting to know each other, having fun and being romantic. But once you drifted out of the honeymoon orbit and reentered the real world, chances are you found that your daily routine, with all its work, house chores and other responsibilities, took over. It’s no wonder that you somehow lost your carefree, fun-loving girlfriend in the process. But here’s how to get her -- as well as the fun spirit of your relationship -- back for a sequel.
Provide a secure environment
One of the real fun suckers in any relationship is unnecessary stress. This can be due to insecurities or jealousies, which usually boil down to one person not feeling confident in the relationship. Many women feel that they can’t enjoy a committed relationship unless it’s towering with stability, so what’s vital is that you zap those silly stressors by being open and honest with each other. If she feels secure in the relationship, she will let her guard down. That will translate into both of you having more fun.
Get away from each other
Of course, when you first started dating all you wanted was to spend time cocooned together. But life has to go on and now you probably find that, between work and all your other activities, you don't get to spend as much time with each other as you used to. Although your immediate reaction to this realization could be to cram in more time together, don’t let yourselves become glued together at the hip because that’s a surefire way to smother the flame.
To keep it burning for longer, it helps to spend time away from her. Hang out with your friends and let her have time with hers, too. This time apart is important because always being in each other’s space, especially if you live together, can lead to something fun becoming boring. What you want to do is make the time you do spend with your girlfriend as special as possible.
Do something fun every week
Organize a weekly date night and schedule it into your planner so that you make it as important as a business meeting. Note: Spending time together by default (for instance, doing household chores) doesn’t count as quality time.
Make your dates more inventive than the usual dinner and a movie, so that you look forward to them as much as you did at the start of your relationship. Think bonfires on the beach, trips to the zoo, a wine-tasting excursion, or a picnic in your living room. You could also think up some fun activities or hobbies to pursue together, such as trying out a new sport. These will be great bonding experiences and both of you will anticipate the weekly adventure. Having fun in your relationship keeps it alive.
Go on vacation
Research from the Netherlands found that simply planning a vacation causes a big boost in levels of happiness. The study was published in the Journal of Applied Research in Quality of Life and surveyed happiness levels among over 1530 Dutch adults, 974 of whom went on a holiday during the 32-week study period. The results found that anticipating a vacation led to happiness. So just planning a holiday can bring some excitement to your relationship. Getting away from the routine of daily life is great because you can spend time doing what you love and enjoy quality time without interruptions. There are no stressful family or career issues causing you to miss out on the fun you can have in a fresh environment.
But don’t let the fun stop when you return home. Try to incorporate that carefree feeling into your real life in small ways. For instance, if you enjoyed taking time daily to chat over a glass of wine, try to do that in evenings; likewise, if you both felt rejuvenated at trying new activities during your holiday, consider taking up some classes where you can learn something new together.
bottom line
Getting your carefree girlfriend back is not about trying to change your girlfriend or backtrack to the honeymoon phase (which isn’t built to last, by the way). Instead, it’s about trying to keep the relationship as enjoyable and exciting as possible, instead of letting yourselves fall into a rut.
The minds of men are frequently occupied with sexual ideas that would repulse the average woman. While this is the typical case, don’t assume that your girlfriend doesn’t have a dirty side. One of the advantages of being in a long-term relationship is the opportunity to share your sexual fantasies with each other and try them out. Unfortunately, it may be a challenge to get your girl to reveal her nasty inner thoughts.
In order to determine if the girl you’re with is open to experimenting with dirty sex, start off by testing the waters with a few questions on the more innocent end of the sexual spectrum. Try: “Have you ever tied anyone up or been tied up?” “Do you own any sex toys?” “What do you fantasize about when you masturbate?” “What is something you’ve always wanted to try?”
These questions should get her to open up and start sharing some intimate details of her sexual personality with you. Then you can lead her down the path to dirtiness and hopefully get her to have dirty sex. If she gets scared off or grossed out by these questions, you have yourself a non-kinky girl -- too bad for you.
Still, even the innocent can be corrupted. Here are our suggestions to help you get her to have dirty sex.
Tell her about your fantasies
If you get the feeling that she’ll be receptive to taking a darker turn in your sex life together, take the first step by revealing some of your secret fantasies. Dole out a little at a time and see how she reacts. Hopefully, she’ll share some of her inner thoughts in return; when she does, make sure you show plenty of enthusiasm for her ideas if you want to get her to have dirty sex. An important thing to keep in mind when having this sharing session is to keep it in the realm of fantasy. Don’t start telling her about dirty sex you’ve had in the past with other women or your whole plot will come to a screeching halt.
Make it new for both of you
Approach the dirty experimentation like it’s new for both of you. Think of something you’ve never tried before and suggest that you try it together. If she knows you’re starting out on a level playing field, she’ll be more likely to let her inhibitions go and get wild with you. If you want to get her to have dirty sex with you and you act like you’re an expert in the area, chances are she’s going to freeze up on you instead of enjoying herself.
Play a sex game
So you’re both open to the idea of getting dirtier in bed together. Now, how do you get started? Talking about it is a lot easier than actually introducing the nastiness into your sex life. A sex game might be just the thing to help you get started. Visit a sex shop and check out the card and board games they have for sale. These are usually aimed at couples that want to add some excitement to their love life and they should give you some ideas. Or, use your imagination and make up your own game together at home. The idea is to get both of you to open up and start trying things out. If all else fails, you can always fall back on the old standard of Truth or Dare.
Watch porn or read erotic stories
Get each other in the mood by watching porn stars get it on or by reading some stimulating erotic fiction. Even if she’s not normally into watching porn, when you’re trying to get dirty with each other, she may be open to incorporating a video or two. Erotic writing of a less-than-professional caliber can be found all over the internet, but there are also quality sexy stories available from people with actual skill. Take a trip to the bookstore together and pick out something that looks promising.
Initiate
You are probably going to have to be the one to make the first move if you want to get a little nastier in the bedroom. Even if you’ve piqued her interest, she’s still not likely to start things off herself. Start talking dirty, set the mood and hopefully she’ll follow your lead.
she may surprise you
For most women, revealing their private, filthy thoughts may be difficult, let alone actually acting on them with you. Once you get her comfortable talking about it, disclose some of your own secrets ideas, gather some inspiration and try new things. You may be surprised to find out that your girl is more of a freak in bed than you would’ve guessed.
There’s always a need for timing and tact when attempting to get a woman into bed. All women are different, but for the most part there are several approaches that will typically result in success -- provided you are patient, observant and talented in the intimate arts.
So, how do you make the transition from dinner to bed? This is an especially big challenge because most ladies have a variety of requirements, beyond holding their attention, that must be met before they even consider sharing themselves, and even the best of men aren’t mind readers. Therefore, we have to examine a few general options that could potentially pertain to a large number of presumably receptive females. It’s about preparing in advance, maintaining a certain amount of subtlety and knowing when the time is right to make the final move. To make the transition from dinner to bed is a series of steps, just like anything else in this crazy game -- but how to begin?
Take her to a sensual dinner
No woman can resist the allure of a perfectly planned evening, punctuated by excellent food and even better company. But it goes beyond merely paying her a few carefully worded compliments, holding doors and pulling out her chair. It’s about preparing for the ultimate goal, which means you should put an emphasis on the atmosphere; leave her suspended between appreciative pleasure and excited surprise. This should be like no other meal she’s ever experienced.
You will make it unique by focusing on her senses; the sights and smells of her surroundings should place her in a state of loving receptivity, and this requires precise attention to detail: the lighting, the manner in which the courses are served and, certainly, the courses themselves. You will eat well, but light -- nobody is feeling amorous when stuffed. Perhaps a bit of sushi or an arrangement of original appetizers will be both exotic and strangely enticing.
Make an evening of it
Regardless of your confidence, effort is always required. These days, it seems as if guys think they can get away with a standard dinner at a mediocre chain restaurant, a quick trip to the mall and a “Man, you look hot tonight” comment. Most women are sick of this lax approach to a romantic, sensual evening. And be original, for crying out loud. Everyone does the dinner-and-movie bit, so how about taking her to the opera instead? Dressing up is something women tend to enjoy and whether you do or not, it doesn’t change the fact that formal wear does indeed make us look and feel better about ourselves.
If not the theater or opera, perhaps a gallery opening or a moonlit walk in the park, or maybe it can be more casual; maybe you can return to your place and attempt to make a dessert together. The bottom line is that effort will always be rewarded, helping you make the transition from dinner to bed, and an hour or two of doing the mundane and expected doesn’t qualify.
Stop for a nightcap
So, you’ve managed the dinner and she’s enjoying herself immensely. But you get the feeling that in order to maintain -- and perhaps even enhance -- her amorous feelings toward you, it’s best to keep her warm. Usually, the best way to accomplish this is to stop for a nightcap toward the end of the evening. A club or bar isn’t your target, though; those places are designed for singles and offer nothing in the way of intimacy. You already have your girl; you just want to sit for a bit, talk and take in a cocktail or two in order to keep her in the correct frame of mind.
This isn’t about getting her drunk, because if she is, the entire idea of a beautiful evening together flies directly out the window. This is merely about the aforementioned warmth; it’s about making her pupils dilate just a tad and ensuring that when you return home, the bed is a guaranteed destination.
Stop on the couch
Many men don’t quite realize that foreplay actually should begin outside the bedroom. Women appreciate a prequel, a hint of what is to come; it excites them and if done correctly, a receptive lady’s eyes will glaze over with lust before you get anywhere near the bedroom.
The couch allows you to have a nice, quiet, intimate conversation after dinner. When she speaks, she knows she has your full attention -- which is a huge turn-on for her to begin with -- and after several humorous anecdotes and a few hesitant touches by both parties, things can escalate easily from there. Just make sure you do move from the couch to the bed. Not only is it far more comfortable, but it seems to boost the woman’s confidence level. Just going at it out there on the couch lends the experience a campy, almost porn-like atmosphere, which doesn’t always work for a first-time encounter.
tricks of the trade
There’s no real “trick” to make the transition from dinner to bed. Sometimes, it may feel like trying to solve the puzzle before the moment of truth and all women are indeed different. But in reality, the majority will respond to a carefully designed evening that elicits trust, confidence and, of course, those innate female drives to feel a man’s touch.
Anal sex is just one of those things: She either loves it, or she hates it. There is very little in between. Most women have tried it at some point, and a fair few of them will never dare again despite their hankering to be one of the "lucky ones" who love anal sex. The reason for this avoidance is clear: pain. If there was no pain, there was probably pleasure. Hence, love or hate.
It is true, however, that while you're trying to "get it right" there are likely to be some painful moments; however, practice makes perfect and it’s the ability to maneuver oneself and try different styles that allows anal sex to be pleasurable.
We've decided to let you in on what women love and hate about anal sex so that you can enter the situation sufficiently informed and ready to rock her world.
the allure of anal sex
For men and women, anal sex is a different, tighter sensation -- it’s a little bit naughty and it provides some variety to normal sex. Anal sex has a tang of taboo attached to it, though this is falling away: The taboo status of anal sex gives it better credence among the adventuresome and timid alike, and this adds to its attraction. Once tried, however, anal sex can quickly lose its appeal for women (and some men). Here we will discuss some of the reasons why women love and hate anal sex.
why does she love anal sex?
Let’s start with the positives:
Because anal sex feels good
Women love anal sex because it can feel absolutely incredible. It's different in sensation and it doesn’t feel like anything else she may have felt before -- it's deep inside, it's not her clitoris and is not in her vagina, but feels strangely like both in a sort of mixed-up combination in another part of her body. The rectum, once it’s ready, literally swallows the penis up and can’t get enough. The back passage transforms itself into a sexual playground. If the clitoris and/or vagina are stimulated while you are inside of her, it can take her to another sexual realm. Anal orgasms are possible.
Because anal sex is naughty
People love to be a little bit naughty sometimes, and anal sex is one of those things you can do completely privately, and nobody will ever know you were naughty except you and your partner -- which is part of the fun. It is also often a "first time for everything" type of activity that can also be nice -- doing something you've never done before, ever.
why does she hate anal sex?
Now for what goes wrong:
Because anal sex hurts
Anal sex is not easy to master when you haven’t done it before. For a man it may seem straightforward -- in, out -- but it isn’t this simple. Women hate anal sex primarily because it hurts. It can cause cold sweats, shivers, extreme agony, and a massive chemical release into the blood stream that causes pain. This is highly unpleasant, but may be endured because A) She wants to like it; and B) She wants you to like it.
If you're not very careful, if you don’t warm her up properly, if you don’t go slowly enough, you will probably hurt her. This really minimizes your chances for trying anal sex again. Do your best every time and you have at least a fighting chance at having another go.
Because she's worried about a mess
Anal sex is obviously a hot spot for mess. The idea that you could penetrate her butt and come out in a sticky situation is hugely embarrassing for her before it’s even happened, and for this reason she may avoid anal sex altogether. Women spend so much time making themselves look and smell beautiful that to have something ruin her hard work can be mildly devastating. Worrying about mess can be alleviated by using an anal douche before engaging in any anal play. Try taking a shower together too, and make sure her bowels are emptied at least an hour before starting.
important facts about anal sex
Lubricant is essential
The anal canal does not produce its own lubricant, so it is imperative that you use a good quality lubricant in all your anal adventures. It is advisable to use a silicon-based lubricant because they tend to last longer and don’t dry up very quickly like some water-based lubricants do. Don’t use sticky petroleum-based products like Vaseline, as they clog up the walls of the rectum and are much too sticky.
Tease her
It is important that she is very turned on before you even go near her butt. When she's turned on, her body is much more open to you than if she is only mildly turned on. She needs to be aching for you to touch her there. Then, when you start to touch her closer to her anus, she will respond with moans and groans instead of a tense grimace. Rub her body all over with oils, relax her, love her, adore her, and caress her. Get her to the point where she is begging you for it, and do this without putting a single thing in her -- tease, tease, tease. Anticipation is one of the greatest sexual tools you have -- use it to your advantage.
Condoms and hygiene
Disease can be passed through unprotected sex -- this includes anal sex. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable. However, using condoms can be better for both partners, for other reasons. Women may not like to have a bottom full of semen, which quite frankly is a fair call. After the disruptions of anal sex, the semen mixes with the contents of the rectum and it can get a little "upset" in there. Using a condom avoids this trouble.
Condoms may also protect the penis from any stray fecal matter, though this is generally not a problem, and if it does occur can be washed off easily with no harm done. Men may like to wear a condom so they last a bit longer -- the condom desensitizes the penis somewhat, and allows for longer lovemaking.
what not to do
Do not ever put your penis into a woman’s body without her express permission. Do not treat her body like a scoring device. She is not an object for you to ejaculate in or on, and if she is kind enough to share her beautiful butt with you, treat it with respect and be happy you were allowed close enough to breathe her in at all. Don’t ejaculate inside of her if requested not to. Don’t slam, jackhammer or be forceful either.
what to always do
Always use lube. Always wear a condom if requested to without acting like a baby. Do as you are asked at all times -- anal sex is a delicate situation and she needs to be able to trust you.
Gender presumptions and anal sex
When a heterosexual couple thinks of anal sex, it is generally man-in-woman anal sex. To get a good understanding of what it's like -- and how to improve your performance -- it is necessary and helpful for you to open your mind to the possibility that anal sex is not something that only you do to your female lover, but something that you could do to each other.
Scared yet? Don’t be. If it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander. Anal sex takes a lot of practice to perfect, and experimenting with one another is a fantastic way to deepen your connection and enhance your sex life and relationship. It does not have to involve sex toys. You can use fingers, tongues, oils, lubes, and any number of other things. Experiment, and let your own body be loved. It will pay off.
backdoor shenanigans
Anal sex is many things to many people. Do it right, and you’ll get to do it again. Do it wrong, and you may be doomed forever. Well, probably not forever but until she forgets how bad it was the first time around.
There are hundreds of anal sex guides online -- explicit instructions on how to do it right. If you read at least a dozen of them, you’ll probably have a good idea about how to start off. The best piece of advice we can give you is to make sure she is hot for it before you start. Then you really can’t lose.
Sex can be an intimidating experience for a variety of reasons, but there are some things that can happen in bed that are likely to truly scare your partner. In order to avoid freaking her out, keep a few guidelines in mind when it comes to weird, unexpected or downright frightening acts like these.
New territory
The first thing that could scare a woman in bed is asking her to do something that she’s never done before. Depending on how confident she is, a request for something she has no previous experience with may have her shaking in her boots (or stilettos, as the case may be). Before you spring a new idea on her, get a feel for her knowledge and comfort level on the subject. A simple: “Have you tried (insert intimidating sexual act here) before?” can go a long way to not scaring her before you get started.
Choking her
Wrapping your hands around her neck and giving it a little squeeze might be perfectly OK if she's been warned ahead of time that it’s something that turns you on, or certainly if she is the one that requested it. However, choking her out of the blue during sex is a surefire way to scare her in bed. Many people genuinely enjoy rough sex, violent role-playing and even some real pain, but if you haven’t discussed your predilections with your sexual partner well in advance of getting into bed with her, you must not spring something like this on her while getting it on.
Unexpected anal play
Some women are turned on by the idea of anal stimulation, while others find it disgusting. Before you know which kind of woman the one you’re in bed with is, do not go anywhere near her ass. Unexpected anal penetration is pretty much guaranteed to scare her in bed. Even getting too close to the general area with your fingers, your tongue or a toy can be enough to freak out some women. Get an idea of her views on the act before you try anything anal.
Extreme sex props
Battery-powered sex toys and handcuffs may be a normal part of your sex life, but if you’re with a new partner who hasn’t yet checked out your toy box, don’t whip these things out while you’re in bed with her. Most women would be able to handle a simple vibrator or maybe a blindfold, but if your idea of fun props includes shackles, ropes, whips, and textured butt plugs, you may want to ease her into the idea before you bring out all your toys. If you’re up to the level of prostate milking sticks, Electotorture or speculums, keep this stuff well hidden until you know for sure that she’s cool with your fetishes.
Psycho dirty talk
Most of us can appreciate a little dirty talk in the bedroom. In the heat of the moment, all kinds of things can come out of your mouth if you’re not careful. The downside of this is that actions aren’t the only things that can scare her in bed; your words can do the job just as well. Maybe you started off by whispering a fantasy in her ear, but once your voice takes on a serial killer-like intensity and you start getting into too much psycho detail, your little story takes a dark turn and she makes up some excuse about having to wash her hair or get up early in the morning. Keep these demented little tales to yourself if you want to avoid scaring her in bed.
scary sex
Naturally, what scares one woman in bed might make another woman all hot and bothered, so you never can tell how she’s going to react to a certain kink, fetish or unusual practice -- until you ask her, of course. The kinds of women who are into these things probably aren’t going to shy away from talking about them. On the other hand, if you bring it up and she bolts, it’s better that you find out early on that you’re sexually incompatible.
Partying like a rock star is fun while it lasts, but the true measure is whether you can function the next day. Learn to cure a hangover and you'll be shipshape in no time!
I'm 42 years old and I'm a bald, average, confident guy. After 24 years of marriage and being recently divorced, I'm thoroughly confused about dating and what women want. I bought another dating book and was even more scared to do any of its suggestions. Then I bought your course, and coupled with watching the players in clubs, I knew Cocky & Funny was the answer. I used it successfully on over nine women, all resulting in them wanting much, much more than I was willing to give. They all call from time to time for fun!
Here is where I have the problem and it might help others trying for this type of relationship. I am single, and love my space and I want to have fun for a while and eventually marry again. I'm looking for her and it takes a while to see if she is "her." I get them hooked way too fast, and I'm not trying to do that. This is how it works out: Women are attracted to Cocky & Funny. They want fun and excitement; I think I know why they want the Funny part; for the fun things to do in life (too many boring guys out there), and the Cocky part piques their inner flames to what could happen as far as passion is concerned. And, when you are passionate with them, you have to be a Leader and show them you're a bad a boy -- as much as they can handle anyways.
This has, in all instances so far, led them to call me and pursue me the next day and weeks after. They want a far deeper relationship. They want Cocky & Funny in their lives. These are not clingy people (7 to 9s; 24 to 44 years old) and profess to want to be friends first. E-mail is great as it has a way of helping them say things they wished they could say in person. Do you have any wisdom on how to do Cocky & Funny and not hit all of her senses?
Thanks Again
- J.
Response
You poor, poor dear. Sounds tough, really.
I think you're doing fine. You're on the right track, and I think that you're going to find an outstanding woman to have a long-term relationship with.
I personally think that the problem isn't the techniques you're using, it's that you're now seeing that you can choose a woman, rather than having her choose you -- and it's making you far more selective than you were in the past.
When you're seeing several attractive women at the same time, you begin to realize that you can have whatever you want. You no longer have to settle.
This has the effect of making you a lot pickier about what you'll tolerate -- and it makes you see negatives a lot more clearly in women.
Again, I think you're doing fine. Just stick with it and you'll find a great woman to marry again, if that's what you want.
TMS
Reader's Comment
Hi,
I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog -- very enlightening. I've always found myself attracting girls I'm not romantically interested in, while crashing and burning with the hotties. It was very confusing until I read your book. I realize now that I was a Wuss with the hotties by being a typical "nice guy," and that the more I acted indifferent with the girls I didn't like, the more they ate it up. You gave me a new perspective on what makes attraction work, and I'm glad to see that your book pointed out that you don't have to be a jerk to be successful.
My game has improved but it still requires some refining. Lately, I find I'm stalling out between the first and second date. So I'm wondering if I'm screwing up the date itself or the follow-through. Here are the steps I take after a date:
I call within two days to say I had a good time and basically make contact. I end the conversation first, and let her know I'll give her a shout in a couple of days -- just so I don't seem like I'm rushing into a second date.
I let two or three days pass and call to make arrangements for a second date. At this point I usually get a vague answer like: "Let's set something up for next week." And then it never happens.
Where is this falling apart, and what kind of follow-through do you use?
Thanks for the help,
-SF
Response
I'm going to have to guess at a few things, but I'll give it a shot.
From the sounds of it, you need to:
Stop with the "I had a good time" type comments when you call for a follow-up. You might experiment with waiting longer to call -- or waiting less time to call. See what works best for you. But don't be so "nice."
Do more things to make your date feel attraction. Use what you've learned to really turn the dial up. You might test progressing further on the first date -- maybe start getting physical more quickly.
Make sure you keep her laughing, and keep busting on her and treating her like a "friend" at first. Remember the idea of acting like she's your Bratty Little Sister.
It sounds like you're doing something on those first dates that's making the women resistant to seeing you again -- you need to figure out what it is and stop it.
The Player will always have to contend with stereotypes and snap judgments. Perhaps the most insidious and equally inaccurate belief is the idea that a ladies' man lives on the edge, that he knows nothing but bad habits and reprehensible behavior. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, the Player doesn’t drink himself into a stupor every weekend; he remains drug-free; he takes care of his health and general well-being, and although he’s not adverse to heavy partying and even dangerous hobbies, he always respects himself. The idea that one must break the law or become a chemically addled individual in order to be a Player is entirely illogical, anyway. Most women -- or, at least, the women the Player would normally associate with -- would not be interested in a disgusting, loudmouthed drunk. This is because of one immutable fact: Women watch how a man treats himself because it’s an indication of the treatment she will receive.
Exercise
You are no longer 18. The days of cramming down Big Macs and milkshakes should be far behind you for two obvious reasons: 1) At 18, you could get away with it, and; 2) You’re a grown-up now. Mature, intelligent individuals don’t waste their lives by living on fast food and frozen dinners; they expand their horizons by actively seeking new food experiences and keeping an eye on their caloric intake. This may sound like an ad for the latest “stay healthy” public service announcement, but honestly, remaining trim and slim is of the utmost importance for any active Player. It goes well beyond looking more attractive to women (although, of course, that’s a benefit); it’s about respecting yourself and showing the world that you have some discipline, motivation and ambition. It all comes together into one very appealing package in the eyes of most women, so make sure you actually use that gym membership. Player payoff: Nice Physique
Moderate alcohol intake
It seems to be the cornerstone of any good party, and while you may not wish to abstain entirely, you should be fully aware of the pitfalls involved with overindulgence. We’re not in a high school health class here, but at the same time, while many men will simply roll their eyes and say, “I get it, I get it,” they’re often the first to fall. They start to rely on alcohol to become attractive to women; they begin to ply women with alcohol rather than rely on their own God-given gifts. And, finally, their entire “scene” revolves around the bar. Even worse is when alcohol makes a guy believe he’s a hit with the ladies -- it’s just plain embarrassing to see a wannabe Player who thinks he’s Bond because he’s drunk. Moderation is key, people. A cocktail for the ladies at 11 p.m., maybe a beer for you -- then sober up and find yourself in the throes of passion by 2 a.m. Get it right. Player payoff: Self-Control
Active lifestyle
It’s an accepted fact that those who maintain an active lifestyle simply make better first impressions. The reason does involve your healthy physique, of course, but it also relates to everything that is associated with activity. You’re not sitting at home, are you? You’re out and about doing things; maybe you’re rock climbing today and taking a kickboxing class tomorrow. And beyond this, activity begets other activity in that you’re simply more open-minded and willing to try new things. All of this translates to one thing that is always crucial for any Player: an interesting aura. People want to know more about active individuals. They want to hear the stories they have because, obviously, they must have stories. By keeping your calendar full of active events and activities, you will immediately become more attractive and intriguing to the opposite sex, and this is a tried-and-true fact. Player payoff: Positive Perception
No drugs
Humans are fickle, hedonistic creatures who, at times, have little in the way of effective willpower. We all have to admit this -- it’s a universal weakness. This is why we need to be all the more wary of temptations that, at the time they gallop attractively into our field of view, appear relatively harmless.
“What can one hit of X really do to me?”
“So I smoke pot a few times a week -- it doesn’t hurt me.”
“No, I’m not addicted to painkillers -- I stubbed my toe.”
There are those who will extol the fringe benefits of certain drugs and I’m here to tell you that absolutely none of it is worth the trouble. There is no drug that won’t eventually backfire and there’s an even more persuasive argument for some of you: Only sober highs are truly experienced. And besides, classy, respectable women aren’t interested in the adolescent egomania that participates in drug use. You are a mature, well-adjusted, confident man who needs no artificial boost in life. Player payoff: Positive Perception
Physical fitness
People who don’t normally exercise or workout are confused on this issue. One of the excuses they give for not getting involved is because it will “tire them out.” See, those who frequently get their heart rate up understand that such activity will only give you more energy. And what’s more important to a ladies' man playing the field? You don’t have to spend the majority of your free time jogging or playing racquetball, but you should certainly find a way to sweat at least several times per week. Again, it’s not so much about the cosmetic result; it’s how much better you feel. You’ll smile more, food will taste better and the added stamina in the bedroom is a 100% bonus for all interested parties. In general, the in-shape individual is simply happier and more fun to be around, both of which are essentials for the Player’s mood and attitude. Player payoff: Mental Fitness
Sexual protection
Guys have been looking for a way around the condom since the moment of its introduction all those years ago. Sadly, if you’ve opted for the swinging bachelor lifestyle, the condom must remain your sidekick if you’re to remain erect -- and both meanings of “erect” apply. Being safe has never been more important and even discounting the more serious and potentially deadly STDs, no Player can be effective with genital warts. It just doesn’t work. Furthermore, while the woman may do her damndest to convince you that she’s clean, that she’s on the pill (etc., etc., etc.), the bottom line is that if you just met her a few hours earlier, the condom still has to make an appearance. Outside of STDs, no statement can ruin a Player’s day as quickly as, “I’m pregnant,” so you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and face the facts. Player payoff: Cleanliness and Health
Clean-living lover
The idea that the out-of-control, immature frat kid in college is a “Player” is an irritation for the true ladies' men and pickup artists of the world. It not only takes practice and experience, it also demands that we treat ourselves appropriately; in addition to the obvious personal bonuses, it increases our overall appeal in countless ways. The Player lives clean and reaps the benefits.
My penis is mad at me. How could I write an article on the negative side effects of masturbation? He thinks I’m a traitor and switched teams. I hope he doesn’t take it out on me and be a passive-aggressive limp noodle for my next sexcapade.
But how much do we really know about masturbation and its side effects? Sure, we know masturbation feels good -- that’s a gimme. But what else can it do to us? Playing with ourselves can help us fall asleep, reduces headaches and stress, anxiety and tension, it’s great for immune functioning, increasing endorphin production, and is so good for our prostates. But is there anything else we should be looking out for besides Kim Kardashian’s next Carl’s Jr. commercial?
The negative side effects of masturbation your parents believed
There’s a lot of history behind the negative side effects of masturbation. Since man could grab his pecker and stroke it, people have been coming up with myths that it’s bad for you. Will masturbating cause acne? If it did, 95% of guys would be walking around with a face full of zits. Masturbation must cause sterility right? While it’s true having consecutive ejaculations will reduce your sperm count and the volume of semen compared to the first ejaculation, your testes are a factory for sperm production and masturbation isn’t going to close this factory down. Does masturbation cause hairy palms? I don’t even understand this one; is semen miracle grow? The same can be said for blindness, insanity and a whole host of other myths that have been proved false by medical science.
So there has to be some negatives right? Masturbation itself is harmless and there are no proved long-term physical issues with moderate masturbation habits. However, we can all experience some side effects, whether they are short-term, long-term or related to chronic masturbation habits.
Touching breeds unwanted familiarity
One side effect of masturbation is subsequent ejaculations will take longer. If you masturbate a few times before a date and, hopefully, proceed to have sex, you’ll probably find more difficulty reaching climax. Thankfully, giving our penis a day or two to recharge should do the trick. In addition, we each know the secrets to getting ourselves off. Masturbating can sometimes create an individual orgasm effect where we train our bodies to respond to our own familiar touch and have a reduced response to other people’s touch, resulting in a tougher time reaching climax with others. A lot of guys can relate to this.
Our hard-ons may also be affected by masturbation as well. After each ejaculation, you’ll notice the firmness of the next erection may get slightly softer and spongier, depending on how close apart the erections are. There’s little evidence that too many erections or masturbation will have an effect on your erection in the future. There’s a wealth of evidence that points to age, diet, smoking, and cardiovascular health as factors that affect your beat-meat getting stiff. Another side effect of masturbation is abrasions or swelling of the penis. Some people have rough hands, calluses, use vigorous strokes, or don’t use lube. Ouch!
Masturbation and guilt
Masturbation can also have a negative psychological impact on a person. Many people feel shame and guilt because of their masturbation habits. Whether it’s a cultural, religious or moral issue, people can be very hard on themselves. The tug of war between what feels natural and pleasurable versus what they were told to refrain from can have lasting harmful effects on a person’s self-esteem, confidence and self-love. Psychosomatic effects can also occur, where physical symptoms are the result of psychological factors (feeling shame, guilt, anxiety can manifest into things like headaches, back pain, chronic pain, etc).
The problems with chronic masturbation
Biologically, chronic masturbating can affect our brain and body chemistry because it can overproduce sex hormones and neurotransmitters. This overproduction impacts each person differently, and can range from fatigue, pelvic pain, vision changes, lower back pain, testicular pain, or hair loss. There is current research that states increased testosterone production is linked to DHT production, which is associated with male pattern hair loss.
However, we have to be careful of the conclusions we extrapolate from research. I still need more evidence to believe hair loss because correlation doesn’t imply causation. Did you know large consumptions of alcohol reduce testosterone production? So does this imply that drinking booze will reduce my testosterone levels, subsequently DHT levels, and stop my hair from falling out? Doubtful -- I’d just be bald and drunk. If you notice any of these effects, try cutting back on your masturbation habits for a few months and see if it helps alleviate your symptoms. If the symptoms are still there, you might as well keep tugging away and see a doctor for a medical checkup.
Compulsive masturbation can also negatively affect a person. What’s compulsive masturbating? There’s no set number of times; it’s associated with a person having difficulties in his life resulting from his masturbation habits. One guy masturbates six times a day and feels productive and great while the other feels the exact opposite. Compulsive masturbation can negatively affect your work, relationships, self-esteem, finances, social support, and have legal problems if you’re not able to find a balance between being responsible in life and satisfying your pleasures and desires.
Where do you get off?
I hope I didn’t turn you off from masturbating. It’s a wonderful thing and one of the greatest gifts you can offer yourself. There are positives and negatives to everything in life: sex, singlehood, driving a car, being in a relationship, and working. We have to make sure the good outweighs the bad to find happiness. World Orgasm day is December 21st, you better get practicing.
Many men labor under the misapprehension that the most difficult aspect of flirting is the initial approach. And while one can always sweat and obsess over the intimidating prospect of walking up to a woman and saying “hi,” the deciding factor is the interaction that immediately follows.
The importance of a first impression cannot be understated, and if you wish to score a victory, you must not only grab her attention, you must also hold a woman’s attention. Believe it or not, this is where the vast majority of encounters fall apart for men. Up to this point, they’ve managed to net the requisite eye contact and body language from across the room, received a boost of confidence from a few encouraging smiles, and have now embarked upon the actual conversation. They figure they’re golden -- they relax. And before they know it, the woman has thanked them for the drink and disappeared into the crowd. What happened? Well, it doesn’t have to happen.
And the way to avoid this is to learn how to hold a woman’s attention.
Find a good conversational spot
It’s impossible to form a connection when screaming in her ear over the driving music or attempting to have a one-on-one conversation amid a sea of shoulders. If you’ve successfully snagged her interest at the start, take the initiative and lead her to a place where the two of you can talk in a more agreeable setting. Make sure you first establish a positive foundation after a few minutes though; a woman will be more likely to agree to this if she actually wants to learn more about you.
The bottom line is that in order to hold a woman’s attention you must leave the crushing crowd and discussion-destroying music as far behind as possible. This shows you’re interested in more than her body, that you find her interesting and enjoy speaking with her, and that you respect and appreciate good communication. And if things go well during this “separation phase,” it’s that much easier to take the next step.
Maintain eye contact
If you ask women, they will say that a lack of eye contact has become a serious issue these days. I attribute this to the electronic age in which everyone, even adults, can only seem to stare at the tips of their sneakers and mumble. Texting doesn’t help communication skills, people. And after you’ve finally mustered the courage to speak to that exquisite bombshell who's been dominating the dance floor, you had best look into those beautiful eyes when you first begin the discussion.
Now, you don’t have to stare into her eyes for minutes on end -- there’s a fine line between attentive and maniacal -- but always make sure to meet her gaze on a continual basis. Women don’t seem to have this problem, but let’s not forget that eye contact has a lot to do with confidence, and it’s rarely the woman who endures these trials at the club. Admit it, ladies.
Ask leading questions
Interviewers are told never to ask questions that only require a “yes” or “no” answer and they’re encouraged to pursue the most detailed responses possible. It’s not much different when you first speak to a receptive hottie, when it’s essential that you get her talking and directly involved in the conversation. Therefore, instead of asking the default chitchat questions like; “So, are you enjoying yourself?” (heck, she could even nod in reply to that) and, “Can I buy you a drink?” (not a ton of elaboration required), be original and you’ll hold a woman’s attention.
Ask her what she thinks about certain things. Once you’ve learned about her job, ask a specific (hopefully semi-intelligent) question about it. If you do this correctly, she should end up talking more than you and that’s exactly what you want. Most times, it’s what the girl wants too, regardless of any claims to the contrary. In record time, you will become a sensitive, respectful listener.
Fix on a topic of her choosing
Guys are always more comfortable when talking about a subject they introduced. But it happens so often -- we need to be comfortable in such situations -- that most women are left nodding their heads, sipping their cocktail and scanning the room for someone who doesn’t have to listen to himself jabber.
After the preliminary niceties, see if you can’t latch onto a topic she has partially unsheathed, and then grasp it firmly. She brought it up; how can she grow bored with her own topic? However, bear in mind that only seasoned veterans should really attempt this on a frequent basis; it really is much easier to have a prepared “in,” and there’s no way to prepare for the unknown.
However, if you’re successful with this tip, you will ingratiate yourself immediately and score big points by allowing her to take command.
Use compliments and observations
Usually, men have game plans when they first speak to an attractive woman. They’ve rehearsed it in their heads a hundred times and if they stray from this plan, they run the risk of becoming flustered. However, the key to engaging in conversation is fluidity and sparks of spontaneity, which are the common human elements that arise when two people enjoy each other’s company and don’t rely on preset “plans.”
So, when you go over there, make your mark by paying attention to her and proving your attentiveness. If she cracks a joke that strikes you as particularly funny or if she agrees with you on the latest movie, make the effort to build on that compatibility. “You know, so many people don’t understand that!” “I just love your laugh.” “You’re really easy to talk to.”
Compliments on her physical appearance are socially bourgeois, anyway. Go deeper. Observe and compliment her.
Put the spotlight on her
A woman requires your attention but she doesn’t wish to be smothered and, in fact, she’s usually seeking a man who can get her talking. Perhaps the most challenging barrier is the one that stands between you and a steady stream of conversation, which is why you must put her in the limelight and keep her there. Manage this, and the rest’s a breeze.
The Four
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As day was breaking, and we could still hear the birds singing their
morning songs, we loaded all our gear in the Morgan 39 (power boat), ready
to leave t...
Cool Cucumber Salsa
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DESCRIPTION: A great way to use all those cucumbers you get from your
plants! A little zing from the jalapeno and a burst of lime add a fresh
taste to cuc...
